Time to Vent

First of all I want to say that I know it can be pretty agravating when people who blog or post status updates on social media sights are always complaining about one thing or another.  I get it.  I really don’t like reading what people’s latest gripes are either.  

On the other hand not everything is always sunshine and roses, even when your a Christian or sometimes especially when your a Christian.

So today is going to be a “vent” day for me because I am sad and tired and lonely.

I have a hard time making and keeping friends and as my ex once pointed out I have a bad habit of shutting people out of my life if I even THINK they are going to hurt me.  It also does not help that I don’t have any family I can really, truly count on or know that they truly love me.  The only way I can put this in prospective is to try and figure this out as I write.

I will go down the list of family and give what I feel and to the best of my knowledge what is going on.  Here goes.

Dad – I don’t remember anything but a couple of instances now and then from when I was a child (granted this could be just my really bad memory though).  We had a strained relationship for all my childhood, teen years and….well pretty much my whole life.  He loves me because he feels he has to as I am his oldest son.  When my life is on track then I am ok in his eyes and he is happy with a phone call once every six months or so as long as they are short.  When I mess up in life though I am a “worthless person, who will never amount to anything and will never change.” On his list of priorities I am low, under Dodie, Christen, Kamryn, God, Alyssa, Sara, Derek, Evan, Melissa, Gary, (maybe I am here…somewhere)

Mom – Don’t remember to much as but just like dad could be due to bad memory.  She loves me no matter what but loves me when I am meeting her standards of acceptable behavior (this blog would not fall under that catagory).  Unlike my dad she has been there for me when I really need her and she has been a source of love and strength in my life.  We have had many ugly, ugly fights and just a couple of months ago I made a promise to God to never be ugly in word or deed to my mom again.  She really does not understand how bad it hurts me when I give her things because I want to bless her and she either gives them away or returns them to me without caring. On her list of priorities I am pretty high like as in Melissa, me, sisters (my aunts), brothers (my uncles), grandkids.

Melissa – She loves me because I am her brother and we have been through a lot together.  She never understood how much it hurt to give her Christmas presents and never get one from her just to watch her open many, many presents from her husband, kids, parents, me, ect.  She has her family, I have no one.  On her list of priorities I fall pretty low as well.  I think it’s kids, husband, job, sports, parents, cousins (such as Avedona), me…..

Donnie – We get along ok for being I was a horrible step-brother.

Jonathan – He can’t stand me but wont tell me why.

Christen – She loves me cause I am her half brother, otherwise has nothing to do with me for the most part.

So I have four siblings which means I have three nieces and one nephew (one more nephew to arrive in September)  two nieces and the one nephew are from Melissa and the other niece with a nephew on the way is from Christen.  Donnie doesn’t want kids and Jonathan is gay.  I have never been asked to stand up at any of the weddings or be part of the celebration other than an invitation that the neighbor would get.  Christen had all her siblings but me in her wedding.  Having three nieces and two nephews you would think I would be asked to be a Godparent at least once but I have not been asked.

As of this date, I have one friend Micah who really is a good friend.  Other than that I don’t have any friends who keep in touch with me.

So I don’t have any friends really and no family who really want anything to do with me.

I have God though. If it were not for God I would have killed myself a very long time ago.  I know I tried four different times in my life times and obviously was not successful.

Well, that’s enough whining for now, sorry to have taken up your time with the pouting and self-pity.

Next blog with be more up beat I promise.

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About jesuslovespug

“How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back. There are some things that time can not mend. Some hurts that go too deep... that have taken hold.”
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